October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, with the 15th dedicated as a special day of remembrance. While it has been a year and a half since I miscarried, it is still something that I carry with me. Like any loss, the grief never really goes away. There are days that it creeps back up, sometimes entirely out of the blue maybe because of a memory, a specific date or hearing someone else’s story of loss.
I’ve been fairly candid in sharing my story of pregnancy loss. At first I was hesitant to share but I’m so thankful I did. Not only has it helped me process my own feelings but it has connected me to other women experiencing loss as well, helping each other through our sharing and individual stories.
When the anniversary of my due date for my loss rolled around this year it hit me much harder than I expected. I tried to shove it away because I didn’t feel like it was okay to still be grieving. I also struggle because I know that had I not lost that pregnancy, I wouldn’t have Eleanor based on the timing of things. So I feel guilty being sad, feeling like if I grieve my loss it takes away my love and appreciation of Eleanor. But I know that I can be both, thankful and beyond blessed to have Elle, while also being sad that I lost a baby.
It’s ok to feel whatever you need to. I’m writing this partially as a reminder to myself, but also to any of you who need to hear it as well. There is no right or wrong way to feel your grief. And it doesn’t matter what kind of loss you had. Whether you were 8 weeks pregnant, in your third trimester, lost a newborn, had a molar pregnancy, had a surrogate lose a baby, have a failed round of IVF, it’s all loss. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Grieve, be angry, feel whatever you need to feel and know that it’s okay. There are other women who have gone through it and are here to support you, myself included.
I also want to mention the beautiful bracelet my mother-in-law gave me to help me remember the baby we lost. It is a birthstone bracelet from Haverhill Collection with a Sapphire to commemorate my September 26th due date. I wear it everyday and it’s nice to carry a part of that experience with me. A reminder of the love I have for a baby I never met, the strength I gained going through it, and all the blessings I have.
There are so many ways to remember your loss and if you are looking for something I can’t recommend Haverhill collection enough. I also love Vanna Chupp and Ali Wood Creations for unique and beautiful pieces.
Sending love to all those who need it, no matter what kind of loss you have been through.