I wasn’t sure wether or not I wanted to write this post. But then the other day I saw the quote “write what you need to read” and I remembered that the purpose of this blog is to share real life, not just a highlight real.
I found out I was pregnant again in early January. A month ago I was told I’d lost my baby.
The second the pregnancy test turned positive I had a gut feeling that something wasn’t right, which led to an early ultrasound. I was told everything looked fine, but they wanted me to come back a week later just to double check everything and make sure the baby was growing. So I did. And at that next appointment I had an ultrasound with too low of a heartbeat and was told I likely wouldn’t carry this baby to full term. I would most likely lose the baby within a few weeks. I walked away from that appointment thinking “I guess this way I can prepare”. But can anyone really prepare for a loss like this?
I spent that next week trying to grieve in advance and prepare myself for the inevitable. It didn’t work. How do you grieve something that you haven’t actually lost yet? I started to feel like I couldn’t be sad. Not only because I hadn’t actually lost the baby but because I had a beautiful healthy little boy to be grateful for.
Then only a week after that bad ultrasound I went in for a follow up and was told there was no heartbeat. I had lost the baby but my body hadn’t start to “shed” it yet. When I learned all of this I had 5 days until Jack’s first birthday party. How was I supposed to grieve while trying to celebrate the baby I already had?
Rather than letting myself feel my emotions I spent my time trying to figure out how I was supposed to feel. Was it ok to grieve for a baby I only carried a few weeks? A baby I never met or held? Was it ok to grieve when I knew it was coming? But there is no right or wrong way to feel. My grief is my own, it doesn’t need to match those around me or others who have gone through this experience.
It took me two weeks for my feelings to come to the surface. After the madness of Jack’s birthday party, a trip to the ER from complications and trying to soak up time with my baby, it hit me. HARD. I was cleaning the house and found my first ultrasound from this pregnancy and I shattered.
My first thought was, “It’s been 2 weeks, I shouldn’t still be this sad”. But I shut that down and let myself grieve. I sat on the floor holding the sonogram in one hand and wrapped my other arm around Jack. Sad that I wouldn’t ever know they baby I briefly carried but so incredibly thankful for the healthy baby boy I had in my arms.
My reason for sharing this story isn’t for sympathy. This is what I needed to read four weeks ago and I while I hope no one reading this has to experience pregnancy loss, but if you do or know someone who does I hope this post is helpful.
Grieve how you want to grieve, feel what you feel. There is no right or wrong way.