I first shared my about my miscarriage back in March ( you can read about it here). At that point I thought it was physically “over” even though I was still emotionally working through it. But within a few days of publicly sharing about my miscarriage things got worse.
As a quick summary, I found out I was pregnant in mid-January. On February 4th at an ultrasound appointment I was told there was no heart beat to be found. A week later I took a trip to the ER for excessive bleeding. After invasive and painful exams I was told that should be the end of it. I was sent home and told the bleeding should stop within a few days.
Fast forward four more weeks and I was still bleeding. And it was getting increasingly worse. Eventually it was bad enough to warrant another trip to the ER involving more painful and invasive exams. I was so frustrated and felt like it was a continuous reminder of my loss. They suggested I have a D&C to make sure everything was cleared out and normal so that I could finally begin to heal.
I was frustrated that I ended up having to have a D&C 5 weeks after I initially miscarried as I had wanted to avoid it. Not only was the continued struggle a constant reminder of my loss but it was also taking me away from the baby that I already had. I hated that I had to spend so much time away from Jack between the 2 trips to the ER and the procedure. But I agreed thinking this would be the “end of it”. I would have the procedure, be able to properly grieve and hopefully move forward with plans to keep trying to grow our family.
About 2 weeks after my D&C, just as I was beginning to feel better and move forward, I received a call from my doctor to let me know that the pathology report from my procedure came in and she wanted to review the results. I immediately panicked. I thought “isn’t this over yet?”
As I sat on the living room floor tightly holding Jack she started telling me things I just couldn’t wrap my head around at the time. She told me that my loss was a Partial Molar Pregnancy. I heard the words “cancerous, blood tests, hcg levels, blah blah blah”. She said I needed to continue with weekly blood tests and that I couldn’t get pregnant again until she cleared me, which could take months. So much for moving on.
I felt like with every blood test it was a reminder of what I had gone through. I tried to focus on the positive. That each test was (hopefully) inching me closer to being able to start trying again.
Here I am 5 months after my initial miscarriage and I’m still going through regular blood tests. Somedays my loss really hits me and I know there will always be days I struggle (like when my supposed-to-be-due-date arrives).
While I could easily focus on all of the hardships I’ve faced from this ongoing miscarriage experience I have also experienced some really great things too and I try my best to focus on the positive. One thing this has taught me is to really appreciate my time with Jack. Of course, I always have been so grateful to be his mom, but knowing that I already have this amazing beautiful boy makes it a little easier. I’ve tried my best to stay strong throughout all of this for him.
I’ve also learned a lot about friendship and support. I have been lucky to be supported and loved by so many amazing women. Both those who have thankfully never had to experience pregnancy loss or infertility and also those who have gone through the same thing or are currently dealing with loss as well. Some of these women that I have connected with we started our friendship through Instagram. And while we share this unfortunate grief and journey, I am beyond thankful for there support and love through it all.
Two other incredible women are also sharing their stories and experiences today. Claire and Samantha both miscarried shortly after I did and together we have been going through this unfortunate experience. You can read both of their stories here. While its not a group any of us have ever wished to join, we have found comfort and strength in each others support and love.
If you are someone who has experienced pregnancy loss, we are here for you. I’m truly sorry you have had experiences similar to ours but know that there are women who are here to share your struggle and support you through it all.
To read Claire & Samantha’s miscarriage stories head over to Home With The Wileys